My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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