Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
