Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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