You just made me feel so damn special
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
