you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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