Im at strip club and am horny
You can't motorboat a personality
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
