An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
