Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
