I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
