you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
