4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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