I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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