It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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