I'm sorry my penis didn't work
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
