Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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