He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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