Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
