listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
