Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
