I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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