I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
