I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
that's an acceptable place to lick
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
