So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
