I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
