sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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