i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
