My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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