If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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