Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
