tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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