P.S. I can't hear my feet
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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