Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
