My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
