Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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