I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize