I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
