I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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