Your dad touched me again.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
