I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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