he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
