sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
