I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
