I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I need to stop coming to work sober
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Randomize
