My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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