Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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