Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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