The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
