hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
