I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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