I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
