I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
