I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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