i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
