smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
