how can u be prego again
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
