I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
