i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
