All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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