You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
