I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
