we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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