I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
