You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
