I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
