I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
